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Twilite: Parody Novel of Twilight

by Will on May 21, 2009 · 291 comments

in Twilight

twilight  200905211053 Twilite: Parody Novel of Twilight There’s a new novel that pokes fun in a major way at Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight. Stephen Jenner wrote a full-length spoof of the book. Here’s an excerpt

The first time Stella sees Edweird Sullen:

I continued to scan the Sullens’ table for another available stud and quickly found one who was nearly as hot as Casper. Again I queried Maria, this time about the youngest Sullen boy, trying to hide my newly-formed schoolgirl crush on him.

   “The boy over there, with the perfect face, nose, eyes, and lips…and chiseled chin, broad shoulders, strapping chest and tree trunk arms…and that V-shaped torso, thin waist and muscular legs like that of an Olympic cyclist. And perfectly manicured finger and toenails. Who is he, and what’s his story?”

   “Oh, that’s Edweird,” she said, rolling her eyes as if they were the seven and ten pins teetering and deciding whether to fall down or not. “He’s dreamy. But he doesn’t date. Apparently, even the best looking girls in the school are not good enough for him. Rumor has it that he’s only interested in five foot four, average looking dark haired girls who only recently moved to Sporks from a hot climate state beginning with the letter “A.” Go find someone who fits that description!” Maria dejectedly shook her head, the contents of her shot glass riding up and spilling over the sides. She leaned down close to the table, shot out her pink tongue and lapped up the droplets.

   I now turned my full attention to Edweird. Edweird looked as though he was transplanted to Sporks from the pages of Greek mythology. He was tall, with long, lean muscles, perfect angular features, and boyish good looks — remarkably like the boy who played Cedric Diggory in the Harry Potter movies, but with spiky hair. That’s all I’m going to tell you about Edweird now, but don’t you worry: I’ll be describing his perfection from this point on every chance I get in four — count ‘em, four — amazingly long (and expensive) books.

Meh. I’ll pass. The humor is a bit too angry for my taste, but I can see the appeal. What are your thoughts? It can be purchased now at Amazon.

[via TwilightExaminer ]

  • Kimburly

    while i am in love with the twilight books, and could probably recite a page if asked, i myself really want to read this book!! who cares if it pokes fun at twilight? i stilll love it!

  • veronica(:

    i don't get why everyone is getting soo defensive and saying what the author did was mean and wrong in writing this parody. and this is coming from a HUGE twilight fan. i've read all the books in the series (more than once), loved the movie, and i guess you can say im kinda obsessed with twilight:P but just because i love twilight doesn't mean i'm not going to read it because it makes fun of it. it sounds like a really funny book, and i actually want to read it. the author wrote this for fun, i'm sure he never meant to criticize meyer's work in any way. this book looks hilarious, and i definetly want to read it.

  • TwilightDaBook

    The cedric part i had to admit was funny…if u really think about it. it takes alot of research and creativity to come up with a vampire work that is truely original. As a young writer myself, i have a vampire series in the works. After doing extensive research, i am confident that nothing has ever been published like it. As i write on it i constantly say to my self..'ok don't want it to sound like buffy, house of night, vampire academy, twilight, mortal instrument series or evernight etc… gotta make it original.' sometimes i walk around and channel my characters by answering people with things they would say. but anyway… you'll know my work when you see it. never kno it might be a movie.
    I think it's nice to read soemthing funni ever once in a while like twilite, but to buy the book is ridiculous. that's basically making money off someone else success. if it ever happens to any of my future books, i would hav my lawyers and agent on it asap.

  • JC

    I am a twilight fan, and I find this book hilarious.
    I still love twilight but Twilite gives me something to laugh at too.
    I don't think this was a bad idea to write.

    People need to stop being so stupid over it. He isn't breaking any laws by publishing this book.

    Also, Twilight isn't going to make girls let their boy friends control them.
    That is just stupid. Shut up.

  • COOL STORY BRO

    Oh, shut up. That person wasn't taking a stab and your daughter, you single minded dolt. Where does it say in that comment anything about your parenting or family? If your child ends up anything like you, I feel for sorry for her. It can be so annoying having stupid people as parents.

    Goodness, Twitards are so thick.

  • MissNay

    HEY COOL STORY BRO-

    IT SAYS IT IN THE END OF THE COMMENT THAT IT WAS EDITED BY A MODERATOR, GENIUS. THATS WHERE THE SLAM WAS. AND IF YOU WERENT A 'TWITARD' YOU WOULDN'T BE ON THIS SITE FISHING AROUND FOR SOMEONE TO SLING YOUR USELESS REMARKS AT.
    HI 5 CHAMP. WAY TO BE AWESOME.
    WISH MORE PEOPLE WERE JUST LIKE YOU.

  • MissNay

    HEY COOL STORY BRO-

    IT SAYS IT IN THE END OF THE COMMENT THAT IT WAS EDITED BY A MODERATOR, GENIUS. THATS WHERE THE SLAM WAS. AND IF YOU WERENT A 'TWITARD' YOU WOULDN'T BE ON THIS SITE FISHING AROUND FOR SOMEONE TO SLING YOUR USELESS REMARKS AT.
    HI 5 CHAMP. WAY TO BE AWESOME.
    WISH MORE PEOPLE WERE JUST LIKE YOU.

  • Kairistion

    I am not a Twilight hater. On the contrary, I enjoyed Twilight; New Moon, and Eclipse too. (Breaking Dawn, far different story. So nauseating, I couldn't read it) I was entertained, though in many instances not for the reasons the author would appreciate. Even as a member of Stephanie Meyer's target audience, I found Edward's three hundred page description of his complete and utterly wondrous physical perfection and awe-inspiring, electrifying, godlike beauty to be rather ridiculous. And hilarious at the same time.^^
    So, in the end, I had a lot of fun reading the first three books, but as far as falling in love with either Cullen or Black? Screw both of them, give me my unattractive, blind, crippled, almost forty-year old Edward Rochester over those two any day. Now Jane Eyre is the REAL romance novel. And unlike Twilight, it features a heroine with standards)
    Sorry about my digression about my favorite book…..

    Anyways, to me, the Twilight series is rather funny on its own…and, Stephen, (I love your name! :-) in my opinion you drastically improved the novel. And when I read the excerpt, I couldn't stop laughing at your sarcastic wit and slightly sardonic humor. ;-) And I also love your playlist.^^
    I am going to be visiting Barnes & Noble tomorrow. Admittedly, I am a cheap person, as well as a very fast reader, so in all likelihood, I'll just read the book in the store. But if I find a used copy online, I think I might buy that. I'm horrible, aren't I? But if you ever decide to write anything else, I will definitely be watching for it! :-D
    Kristine

  • Newmoonfanatic31

    Yeah yeah The Cedric Diggery Part made me almost fall to the ground laughing but im still not going to get that book because:
    1.) Reading it would give me a heart attack. In the movie Dance Flick i got so mad when it made fun of twilight and the spoof wasnt even funny…
    2.) Hes totally mooching off Stephinies stories…
    3.) And…..*sigh*…..I don't have any money to buy it…..(haha)

  • kaysy

    Well you may find that many other famous, popular books have been written as parodys. For example :
    Harry Trotter
    The lord of the rings with Dildo faggins
    The da' vinci COD

    This is not the first book to be made fun of, nor is Stephen jenner the first person to ride on the success of an outstanding book. Get over it

  • kaysy

    Well you may find that many other famous, popular books have been written as parodys. For example :
    Harry Trotter
    The lord of the rings with Dildo faggins
    The da' vinci COD

    This is not the first book to be made fun of, nor is Stephen jenner the first person to ride on the success of an outstanding book. Get over it

  • RobismyRomeo (RIMR_)

    Hey. YOU get over it. This post is from ages ago. Freakin' weirdo.

  • Ash

    She doesn't educate – she refuses to go to college so she can get married! Nice feminism these books have! I'm all for love and marriage etc, but I'd like a life first, personally.
    Oh, hang on, forgot she decides to go to college after she sleeps with Edward so she can DO IT WITH HIM SOME MORE! What kind of a message is that sending to impressionable teenagers? Sex is better than anything else, completely change your mind for it? Niiice.
    Strong? Everyone protects her. Not once does she say Edward leave me alone, I'll be fine. Again with the awful messages…
    Unselfish? That's the biggest joke of the bunch. Are we forgetting poor Jacob here? She rips his heart to shreds for her own happiness, jumps up and down on the pieces a few times, and then turns him into a paedophile!
    These books are useless. And while I won't be buying TwiLite because long parodies bore me, I'm totally in favour of someone showing the brainwashed that, sorry, Twilight is utter crap.

  • Name

    Oh dear Jesus…..

  • Name

    TWITARDS……really?

  • azuramiko

    People (MissNay too) are talking about how Twilight is a good read, teaches girls how sex ain't important….Ok, one word. Why in Heaven's name does anybody need to read this mumble-jumble of a “love story”? Has anyone ever heard of Oscar Wilde? Hello?? William Blake? Thomas Hardy? “Three Men in a Boat” by Jerome K. Jerome? Even Agatha Christie? Does no one bother to read these any longer? Why would anyone…ANYONE encourage anyone else to read this mess when great writers have left path-breaking works for us to savous? Ok, you want vampires? Bram Stoker…and not just Dracula…He's written a certain piece called The Liar of the Whitw Worm, and many other works…More horror? Horace Walpole..William Beckford…Mary Shelley..How about reading Frankenstein instead of watching it for a minute?

    Oh yeah, I am 16 [qualified as a teenager] and I've been reading classics since 12. Trust me, I went through the Twilight saga once and I could hear Stoker crying and turning in his grave.

  • azuramiko

    People (MissNay too) are talking about how Twilight is a good read, teaches girls how sex ain't important….Ok, one word. Why in Heaven's name does anybody need to read this mumble-jumble of a “love story”? Has anyone ever heard of Oscar Wilde? Hello?? William Blake? Thomas Hardy? “Three Men in a Boat” by Jerome K. Jerome? Even Agatha Christie? Does no one bother to read these any longer? Why would anyone…ANYONE encourage anyone else to read this mess when great writers have left path-breaking works for us to savous? Ok, you want vampires? Bram Stoker…and not just Dracula…He's written a certain piece called The Liar of the Whitw Worm, and many other works…More horror? Horace Walpole..William Beckford…Mary Shelley..How about reading Frankenstein instead of watching it for a minute?

    Oh yeah, I am 16 [qualified as a teenager] and I've been reading classics since 12. Trust me, I went through the Twilight saga once and I could hear Stoker crying and turning in his grave.

    And the parody…Thanks, someone needed to point out how ridiculously mindless the books are..

  • aimzyluvsyou

    Okay some people are interesting. I personally love all the Twilight books. If you don't like that you cann keep that to yourself instead like some people. Some people are arrogant…. Okay well I think this is going to be a stupid pointless book. My appologies. Once again wy are people sharing opions about twilight? this is twilite… hahaha wow… okay this makes no since but still this is preob. stupid book. Why would u make fun of twilight hmmm number 1 movie in the world? hmmm best seller…. Go get a lolipop and suck it :)
    ahhaa
    okay.
    bye?

  • Rachel

    I'd totally buy it.

  • blumpy

    Of course he's making fun of Twilight! You sound like a tool; of course it's going to be mean if he's making fun of Twilight. Edward is definitely weird and sullen so its a fitting name and I don't think Jacob is any better (but I think it was actually Yakob Brown.) They are all messed up characters to make for a messed up book. The story doesn't teach you anything. Besides, the people who hate Twilight need something to talk about.

  • donnydunbar

    Never read any of the books. Not a lovesick teenager so I figured it wasn't for me.
    Yeah he's trying to cash in on Meyer's success I'm just sorry it wasn't me. However I can see how diehard fans of the series get really pissed at this dude.

  • loonyluna

    TEAM CEDRIC DIGGORY! <3333333333333
    teehee;; C:

  • thelg

    Are you kidding me?! This is so stupid:
    Not the book, your reactions!
    Of course it's going to be made fun of! Everything is! I love the books and thought this one was hysterical.
    AND OF COURSE THE BOOK IS A LITTLE FEMINIST, SHE'S A MORMON FOR PETE'S SAKE! They teach great morals, but are a little prone to feminism. (Like at the college where Meyer went, all the female students were required to wear skirts!)
    I came on here to find some a twilight spoof to share with a friend, and I get a crapload of crazy twilight fans.
    Guess the insane fans are what makes these so funny.
    At least I can laugh myself right?

  • Taylor

    Would you try to make a parody of New Moon? I read the 1st eight pages on Amizon.com, and was laughing so hard i could not breathe! Im a hard core jacob fan! And thought since Jacob is a jew name!(which was really funny jacob name is Yakob in your book)! That you actually make him a jew in a New Moon parody! Anyway im going to buy this book when The gRaphic novel of twilight comes out march, 16. I hope it entertains me!!

  • lulzylulz

    Stop being so butthurt.

  • lulzylulz

    So….. it sounds like a rip-off of Twilight.

  • lulzylulz

    LOL Stephen is definitely a girl, right…

  • lulzylulz

    I'm definitely not a Twilight fan but I couldn't help but roll my eyes. So you think you're above everyone else because you read classics? Get real.

  • kkajksjname

    haha amazing!

  • Celine

    There's a lot of tension over a parody book, lol.

  • lolwat

    I actually spoke with Stephen Jenner a long time ago.
    He isn't making fun of twilight, he told me it was him simply having fun with it.
    So get your facts right.
    Twitards seriously don't have a sense of humor.

    If you can't accept a parody of twilight, then you're butthurt way too easily and like I said earlier, you don't have a sense of humor.
    Like, at all.

  • lolwat

    I actually spoke with Stephen Jenner a long time ago.
    He isn't making fun of twilight, he told me it was him simply having fun with it.
    So get your facts right.
    Twitards seriously don't have a sense of humor.

    If you can't accept a parody of twilight, then you're butthurt way too easily and like I said earlier, you don't have a sense of humor.
    Like, at all.

  • CoRosiek

    My god you all are ridiculous, objecting to a book because they want to make money. Name one book that isn’t written for money hell the twilight series is? I don’t really think that Stephanie Meyers wrote them for some profound undeniable message she wrote them for profit that’s why there’s books and t-shirts and movies: it’s all capital gain, no matter what book your looking at. So why don’t you buy or don’t buy the book based on whether you like witty satire or not, don’t base your decision on the author’s motives

  • lorina

    i polgis

  • Alexandra Nilsson

    hey

  • Nyx

    i thought it was pretty funny but i wouldn’t waste money on it. Maybe borrow it from a library

  • werewolf lover

    I hate it! I love twilight and that book makes me really angry :(

  • werewolf lover

    I don’t like making fun of twilight, but you got to admit edwierd sullen is pretty funny.

  • Test

    -eyeroll- Get over it. Not everyone likes everything. It’s part of life.

  • Gabriela852170

    i just feel like he basically is gettin money off everything stephenie did. maybe he should do his own ideas. he has skills but he needs to use them correctly !

  • Spoiledbrandy

    I got it 2 years ago, i loved it, my bestfriend loved it, and even my mom, who still hasn’t even read twilight yet loved it. i’m waiting 4 more

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